For a little over a month now, I’ve been enjoying a weekly phone call each Sunday morning from my friend Gisela. Gisela lives in
Our conversations run the gamut, and during today’s chat, Gisela made the observation that she thought Germans while formal in many aspects of their lives were more genuinely intimate in their friendships than Americans. She sees that Americans are friendly and imply intimacy with almost everyone we meet, yet we don’t carry much depth to our outward expressions of caring. While I acknowledge that we may call many people “friends” that are simply colleagues or friendly acquaintances, I truly believe that no matter who you are or where you are from, we share everything with our true friends.
But it did get me to thinking. Question is, how and when do we identify our true friends?
How might our experience compare to the German practice?
When I first began my struggle with the German language, I learned that there are two forms of “you”. “Sie” (pronounced “Zee”) is the formal “you”. You use “Sie” for most encounters with the world. Even with colleagues and service providers you have known or done business with for years, you might continue to use the “Sie” throughout your lifetime.
“Du” (pronounced “doo”), on the other hand, is the familiar or the friendly form of “you”. This is used among family and friends and implies trust and intimacy.
“Kann ich Ihnen duzen (“dootzen”)?”, asks – using the objective form of the formal you (Ihnen) – “Can I use the familiar or friendly form of you with you?” The Germans actually have a verb: “dutzen” that means “use the friendly form of you”. I understand that even today, when a relationship moves from “Sie” to “Du”, there is a formal celebration of the transition.
In my youth, I thought of the differentiation between “Sie” and “Du” as some kind of archaic boundary that really had no place in a modern world. It was also just another way (along with German word order) to trip up the English-speaker and added more work and study to learn different forms of the verbs that go with “Sie” and “Du”.
Now that I’m older and hopefully wiser, I see it in a different light. When we formally acknowledge a transition of a friendly relationship to friendship status, we are making a commitment and showing trust. Presumably we have spent a lot of time with the person and hopefully have come to know and trust him or her as a true friend so the trust and commitment on both sides has been tested and earned and it will endure.
I believe that to recognize and commemorate “duzen” as the Germans do is truly special.
I just heard from Gisela. Wouldn't you know it, I did not get the German grammar correct. Rather than "Kann Ich Ihnen duzen?" she says the correct form of the question is: Darf ich Du sagen? Oder darf ich Sie duzen?
ReplyDelete(Ihnen ist grammatikalisch falsch! ) Well, now we know... Margaret
I had the opposite problem when I worked as an Au-Pair girl in England in the 1980's. I immediately assumed that, since my employers asked me to call them by their first name, our relationship was friendship-based rather than employer-employee based. Did that ever bite me in the derriere. Growing up in Germany, I was very conscious of the status change from child to adult bestowed by the change of how one was addressed. Just first name was fine amongst close friends, family, and to a child. Otherwise it was always the formal title and address. Now, living in California, it is a serious challenge to meet Germans who are living here - will they accept the 'Du' as the literal translation of 'you' or not? There are times when I take refuge in speaking English to another German just to circumvent the issue. The younger generations in Germany seem to be more easygoing regarding the use of 'Sie' and 'Du'. Noteworthy is that there is an intermediate step - using someone's first name but still addressing that person as 'Sie'.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first came to California I was deeply disturbed by the realization that people were so open and friendly to my face, as if I was goign to be a close friend (on 'Du' status), only to find out that a week later they didn't even remember my name. I decided back then that the German system of address-differentiation was much more honest and straightforward in letting the other person know where they stood. On the other hand, there are people in Germany who have been friends for 50 or 60 years and maybe one day, in a moment of weakness, offer each other the 'Du'..... I love your observations Margaret! Irmgard